"Donot let a breakup lead you to a breakdown.
Better days are coming. Have the maturity to see that whats good by you may not always be good for you.
Do not let bitterness block your blessings of a future mate. God knows why he plucks away certain people from your life.
Don't curse the dry season, instead pray for the rain."

Most people in a relationship always feel like they have found the right person.  Sometimes they even already get married in their minds with the person they're going out with(esp girls). But before they could say "pim" the relationship is over.

It can really feel terrible to realize that the person that was in your life and future.... is gone. The feeling can hurt more than a thousand spears through your heart.
When something reminds you of them;  maybe a song,  or a place that meant something to you two; the pain of their absence refreshes.

Well,  the main purpose of dating is so you could find the right and perfect mate for marriage. It doesn't mean that if one person walks away from your life, another who is better will not walk in.
Sometimes a breakup is for the best, sometimes its God's way of saving us from making the mistakes of our lives.

Of what use is a relationship if you're not happy inside it;?
Of what use is a relationship if you're not loved back, or your efforts not appreciated? Of what use is a relationship if you're not treated right?
Of what use is a relationship if you're cheated on?
Of what use is a relationship if you dont mean much to the person you're going out with? (cos if you mean anything to them, they won't walk away).

Its inevitable that a breakup often leads to feelings of guilt,  confusion, loneliness and even worthlessness..
Being hurt at heart is one of the hardest things to deal with.

But God didn't create us with the ability to love simply to torture us with it. He also made us with the ability to heal.
Every broken heart always heals when you dont let what happened in the past rob you of your chances of present happiness.

There is this song, mostly sung in prayer houses:
"Kudi mpikuriku o 3x
Iyak efen idukko afo unyung umaha iduk" please contact an Efik/Annang/Ibibio friend for the interpretation 😂😂😛😛

There are so many people who are "mpikurikuous" in nature.

1. Way back, my friend Tsinto had a cute neighbor which i admired so much. He wasn't going out with the girl: they were just friendly neighbors, plus the girl was single. But the moment Tsinto discovered i had started making advances towards the girl, ensured that he frustrates my chances with the babe by all means possible...😂😂😂

2. John is going out with Julie, He knows deep in his heart that he may end up not marrying her, and yet he puts a ring in her finger!
Why?
So many guys are guilty of this!
Is it to buy her fidelity? To ensure her devotion? To make it easier to sleep with her?
I think a guy should only put a ring in a girl's finger when he is convinced beyond doubt that he will marry her. When he has fulfilled all ecclesiastical/customary requirements for marriage. Why tie down a girl,  why shoo prospective suitors and still disappoint her in the end?

3. Steve had approached Jane for a relationship, and she turned him down. Not once, not twice... she was loud and clear that she's not interested in him. Steve shifted interest to Amaka, and Jane is all out trying to ruin Steve's chances!
Girls are so guilty of this. That  you turned a guy down doesn't mean he can't move on to another person. He won't worship you for ever, he won't give you the attention for ever. The moment you turn down an advance, have the courage to see them with someone else.

4. Distance has greatly walled up our love, so we agreed to find someone else. Babe had found her someone over there, but the moment she noticed i had my eyes fixed on someone down here, she roused up her might and sent the girl to flight😏😏😂😂😂

5. Uwem, has clearly friend-zoned mi Estrella, and yet will seethe with jealousy anytime i tease her😂

People act as Mpikurikus for several reasons. Chief of it is self vanity and the desire for attention. The desire to have everyone revolve around us.
Its true that even when we are not interested in someone who shows us love, we secretly dont want the person to withdraw the love and attention, talkless of giving it to someone else. This is the major reasons we get really jealous when we see our exes in a relationship especially with someone more beautiful, handsome, tushed or better.
Mpikurikusm is  not just a self destructive behavior, it also hurts the people caught in the web.
Don't be the reason why someone is not happy.
Don't be the reason why someone is still single.
Don't be the reason why someone would lose their life partner!

As people in a relationship that is not established on sacred ordinances, be open, let your boyfriend/girlfriend know that you may not end up marrying them. If you're just dating or going out, have the maturity to make each other realise that if they find their life partners you let them go, that you will support them.
It is only when you are married that you belong to each other not before!

In annang/Ibibio fishing folklore: there is a fish who when a fisherman throws in a hook baited with fishing-worm, hovers around the bait, it doesn't take the bait and it doesn't allow any other fish to take the bait. It fights off every fish that tries to circumvent it to take the bait.
The reason for this according to fishermen, is because the #mpikuriku does not like worm and because of that, it doesn't want any other fish to eat worm!!

Surprisingly humans exhibit this behavior in different degrees.
There are people who act as mpikurikus in other people's lives.
Today i want to talk about being a mpikuriku in relationships.

1. You clearly don't want him/her in your life,  but you just want them to be attached to you. You love to have a certain power over their emotional lives even though you are not interested in them. You enjoy the attention they give you. You even secretly enjoy their company but maybe your ego, your status, your family or other reasons doesn't allow you to love them in return...
Yet you get jealous when they try to love someone else. You get embittered when they withdraw their unappreciated attention. My brother/sister, you are a mpikuriku

2. You are in a serious relationship but are separated by distance.
You find a side chick/nigga to while away time with. Deep in your heart you know she/he is just a fling. And yet you monitor them to the tune of disallowing them to have a real relationship of their own.
You stamp out every prospective real partner in their lives with  jealousy.
Dear,  you're a serious mpikuriku, repent.

Or maybe you are not ready for serious commitments with the person you are going out with. You're just friends with benefits. Then someone comes along to seriously commit them and you're jealous and stand out to ruin their chance. dear, you're a mpikuriku.

4. You are in a relationship in which you don't allow your partner to touch you.
You condense his every sexual advances with coldness and frigidity and yet seethe with jealousy over the girl who flirts with him. That's being a mpikuriku!

If you dont want a person, set them free.
If a person's love and attention means nothing to you,  dont be jealous when they give it to someone else.
If deep in your heart, you know the person you're going out with doesn't belong in your future, dont hinder them from finding theirs!

Being alone and being lonely are two different things.
Being alone is a phenomenon in which you are not in physical or social contact with or in close proximity to people.
But being lonely?....

You may be surrounded by people and still be very lonely on the inside.
You may be a social icon,  a celebrity,  a man/woman of the people, a jolly good fellow... And still be very lonely.

You may have good and jovial friends, but none of them to fill your emotional void.
You may constellate a host of social media fans, followers and admirers but none of them to truly pour out your heart and soul to.

You may be in a noisy crowd, but your heart is empty.
Being lonely is having no one to wholeheartedly confide in,  none to truly share your life with, to establish a meaningful physical, psychological and sexual connection with...on a very intimate and personal level.

Every human was created with an emotional void, delineated in the missing rib of Adam. We all have spaces in our thoughts, minds, hearts, feelings that should be filled by a special person.
And we are lonely when there is none to fill these spaces.

In fact its even possible to be in a relationship and still be lonely.
Its even possible to be married and still very lonely.
When the person you're in a relationship with or married to can't fill your emotional void, when you can't confide in them, when you don't share a meaningful and deep connection, when he/she doesn't give you adequate attention, you discover that you're still lonely even with someone by your side.

She had physically began to bloom at the early age of 17. Her bodacious physique and ambrosial curves had made her a delight to behold.
Boys and men alike courted her attention. She constantly found herself being showered with unmerited favours by men of all calibre: A lift here,  a free lunch there. She enjoyed the way she was constantly ogled, the way she aroused such interest in guys who unceasingly asked her out, and the way those who found themselves unworthy of her level, worshipped her from afar. She savored the expensive gifts, money, treats and other forms of subtle seduction those men employ to get under her skin and skirt.
"how fortunate she must be: to be in a position in which one can gain widespread affection and attention at so little a cost". She thought.

By 22 she was already on top of her game. With a throng of men ready to pay anything to have their way with her, she mastered the art of coquettery. Money became the only thing that truly got her attention.
She, infact preferred the league of older, richer men; who are always ready to economically pamper her sans commitment.
"why should you be committed to one person, and lock yourself away from millions out there who are ready to pay heavily for "what" you give to one person at apparently free of charge"?

By her late 20s she was hit by a fresh reality. Her beauty; her only source of power was waning. The attention she received from men was gradually being shifted to younger girls. She came to realization that its time to get married.
Then she quickly remembered the handsome young man, who has always been nice to her. She chose him above all others because he is rich, studied in Uk,  has a nice paying job, house, car etc...
She then went to reply the chat he sent two years ago!
He fell for it, bewitched by her beauty, he proposed to her and the nuptial knot was tied in no time.

The marriage lasted a jiffy. Bedeviled with incessant quarrels and disagreement, the knot was shattered.
Still favored by her good looks she found another who fell for her, and in no time they walked down the aisle.
But after a few months, the marriage was also torn apart.
She remarried a few times more, all ending in divorce. By now she was in her 40s, still beautiful, but a pariah. An emotional loner, a no go area.

INTERPRETATION: (CURSE OF THE BEAUTY)
From early on, most girls of nowadays acquire the most dangerous of attitudes: As a young girl she is endlessly flattered and ogled. She's the center of every man's attention. She is courted and sought after because of her looks
She never learns to charm, to please(apart from sex).
She never becomes attuned to a man's psychologies. She never has to work,  to scheme,  to seduce, to use cunning or the arts of persuasion.
And so she evolved into some kind of INSENSITIVE MONSTER.
As a wife or girlfriend,  she only cares about herself.
She cares only about the monetary worth of the things you do for her. She never cares about what the husband/boyfriend feels,  she never cares about what he goes through, she never cares about his welfare or health. To her,  the world revolves around her.
She believes that men OWE her favours, attention and affection and that she is not required to love them in return.

Armed with the knowledge that there will always be someone to admire and seek after her, she enters into marriage with the wrong attitude and mindset. She neglects her matrimonial duties with utter heartlessness, creating a tension that inevitably leads to the breakdown of such union.

Please note: i am not writing this as a condemnation to such girls or women out there! I am in no place to condemn you. You have your life to live.
I am rather praying that good guys out there should not fall a victim with women of such sort.
Not all these women are divorced, some are married to men who go through hell daily, simply because their religion does not support divorce. Or with false hopes that she will one day change.
If you ever find yourself entangled with an insensitive monster of any sort, please do not try to change her nor take your chances, just walk away.

Finally, married men and rich oldies, do you know the behavioral damages you are creating by pampering and going after these young girls? By giving them attention, and patronizing their self worth, you make them grow up; viewing their mates as small boys. By the time she's ready for marriage and gets married to a "small boy" (Ofcourse most of them don't marry the old people they go out with),  why wouldn't she feel like kingkong? And treat him as shit? Why would she cook for a small boy? Nor wash or even care for him as a wife should? 

Please Pa(s) and Grandpas  leave young girls to undergo the normal psychological growth and social character formation, tenkiu!  

Jealousy is not entirely poisonous and destructive to relationships. It sometimes is the spice of love, The bonding element and psychological watchdog of couples.
They say, "if your partner is not jealous when someone else has your attention, it means that someone else has theirs"
Therefore it is a little bit absurd for a person in love to not feel jealous at one point or the other in a relationship. But the most important thing is not the feeling,  its how you express it, how you manipulate it to an advantage instead of letting it ruin you.

Moreso, the dynamics of jealousy; if manipulated correctly can be used to;
1. Deepen someone's love for you. 
2. Create a cycle of dependence 
3. Conjure loyalty and respect from a spouse. 
4. Initiate a breakup. Etc
The list is endless. There are so many psychological utilities of jealousy,  depending on what you intend to achieve.
Basic steps to achieve any of the above will be explained in details.

The psychology of trust:
Trust is a dynamic psychological phenomenon that can be manipulated to great effects in a relationship. I had expounded the delicateness of trust,  and how a trust built in years can be broken in a split second by infidelity and false accusations.

Now,  when you monitor/track a partner's social life way too much, you create a psychological prison for them. And they will yearn to be free.
Meaning, that if your relationship is not socially flexible, your partner will find hidden ways to satisfy his/her social lust and end up wounding him/herself in the cocoon of infidelity.

Humans are rebellious in nature.
Anything we are told not to do,  becomes instantly alluring, seductive, adventurous and exciting.
As kids, we purposefully and boisterously broke school rules just to show our superiority. The same rebellious streak still flows in adults.
The moment you install jealousy as an "inviolable rule" in your relationship,  and dare your partner to cheat and face the consequences, you unwittingly excite the repressed rebellious streak in your partner,  and he/she will want to cheat and get away with it: just to prove his/her superiority and maneuverability.

When cheating becomes a "law of the Medes and Persians",  the urge to cheat will increase a thousand fold and a partner will seek for ways to cheat,  just to be free,  just to feel good about themselves.
Because nobody wants to be in a prison, be it psychological, physical or mental.

I always admire couples who have an understanding when it comes to sex with third parties.

A husband is about to travel for a business trip. The wife hands him a condom. He gets insulted: "whats the meaning of this?" He demanded angrily.
The wife calmly replied. "my dear,  i know that you are human,  and since i will not be there with you,  i want you to play safe should in case an incontrollable *conji* takes hold of you".

Believe me,  the man is not likely to cheat. And if he ends of sleeping with another woman,  it won't be with such excitement as it would have been if the wife was paranoid, warning/threatening him not to cheat.

So the best way to neutralise the urge to cheat in a partner is not to tighten your grip on them.
Its to let them enjoy a certain level of social freedom.
Its for you to make cheating seem as a kind of weakness; A childishness to be ridiculed and pitied.

Whereas monitoring your partner's movements and social interactions will only make cheating more exciting.
Pity and understanding on the other hand will take away the excitement and who wants to break any rule without being exciting about it?

In the story above, notice how the wife manipulated her suspicions to positive effects. She made the husband feel weak and childish. And went ahead to exhibit a superior gesture of understanding.
Gestures like this obviously, always pulls down the mountain, whereas ranting and pyrrhic suspicions will only fuel the excitement of the tryst.

Jealousy; has already been crowned as the "chief devil" of relationships. Indeed, it's an insidious poison that slowly nibbles away the trust and bond of love between partners.
Left unchecked,  a modicum of jealousy can lead to heartbreak, divorce, separation and even death (suicide or murder).

Jealousy operates by insinuating the thought that your partner is not entirely faithful to you;  and causes you to distrust and suspect your partner's every move and social interactions.
It dangles in your mind the conviction that your partner might be cheating whenever you are not with them.  It goes a step further to conjure proves about your partner's infidelity and disloyalty and then motivates you to confront/accuse your partner.
The psychological backwash of this is that you find yourself tightening your grip on your partner.
Monitoring their every move.
Trying to sensor who they talk to, interact with, associate with etc.
By so doing, you unwittingly become a pain in the ass in their social lives. Before you realise, you have become a socio-psychological burden: creating a chain reaction that will inevitably ruin your relationship.

   But there are other cases where your suspicions are right and your partner is actually cheating: brazenly playing on your intelligence, feigning innocence and outrageously denying when confronted, and getting away with it.
How then can you know the difference between when your imagination is running wild and when your partner is actually cheating on you?

Concept of trust:
First of all we should realise that once you chose to play FBI and investigate the fidelity of your partner, there can only be two outcome. 1. Dead of trust, and 2. Heartbreak.

Once you lay up accusations or insinuate that your partner is unfaithful, and it turns out that you were wrong, and they are innocent, you hurt their dignity and puncture a hole in their trust, making them abhor you for not trusting him/her.

Trust is a delicate, reciprocal phenomenon: You trust me,  i trust you, and i trust you to trust the trust we have for each other.
Confusing right?
Let me explain: if A and B trust each other.
A finds out that B is cheating, the trust A had for B is broken.
If B also finds out A cheated, B's trust for A is also broken.
But if A accuses B of cheating, and is convinced that B has cheated when B hasn't cheated. B gets insulted and hurt because A doesn't trust him and as such B doesn't also trust A again.

So should you investigate and find out that your partner was cheating, Of course you will be hurt, heartbroken and your trust dead.
But if it turned out that your imaginations was playing star wars with you and your partner was innocent of the infidelity accusations, your partner will be hurt because you don't trust him/her,  and as such he/she wont also trust you again.

I always ask my clients;  why do you want to know if your partner is cheating?
Is it so you can break up with them? So you can discipline them? Scold them, Report them to a higher authority, or Preach to them?
Is it so you can retaliate by also cheating? Or so you can harass or even kill whoever they are cheating with? ...(to be continued)